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After the Fight Is getting passion sparked by fighting a healthy way to end a fight? 
Trying to truncate arguments with sex can establish a negative Pavlovian pattern, say the experts. “You certainly can have great sex after a fight – the passion inherent to venting can make you highly aroused and the sex is a release, like punching a punching bag,” says Trish McDermott, who helped launch both Match.com and served as vice president of love for the online social dating community, Engage.com. “But the problem is that eventually conflict will take over the intimacy.” Riann Smith, former deputy editor of TheNest.com, agrees. Not only does it get in the way of making sure the disagreement truly has been resolved, it can also put you in the habit of instigating fights to get a high level of passion. If you really want to have sex, Smith says, have it the next day after you’ve truly had a chance to make up and get over it. In order to let fights play out and be resolved in a healthy fashion, it is important for couples to remember that there is nothing wrong with having discord in their relationship. Couples, including newlyweds, face issues such as finances, home care, chores, children, in-laws, maintaining friendships and planning out their lives – it’s only natural to occasionally butt heads. What matters is how you approach fighting. If you approach it logically, most likely your partner will too, Smith says. She recommends trying to stick with the topic at hand, because dragging in issues from two weeks or a year ago will only escalate the fight. Use logical language even if what you’re saying is more emotional than logical, and use “I” language instead of “you” language. You can also try talking about the issue while outside on a walk together; it gets the blood flowing, there is something symbolic about the action of moving forward together and men tend to be better at expressing emotions when they aren’t making direct eye contact, Smith says. If you can’t seem to move past a particular aspect of the fight, consider taking a break – go to the gym, go shopping, spend a few hours apart and sort out your thoughts. Time is often the best remedy for conflict. “It’s a cliché device to say that you should never go to bed angry,” McDermott says. “It suggests that you should be able to go from zero to 60 between the fight and brushing your teeth. But you usually can’t solve major issues in 10 minutes.” If you stay up until four in the morning trying to hash it out, you will be tired and a mess at work the next day. If it looks like your fight could go on for hours, acknowledge the issue and remember you’re a team, agree to disagree for the moment and then schedule a time to settle it the next day. Sleep and time provide the added bonus of letting you calm down and get a little perspective. |
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